When kids are young, parents have a duty to take control of what is going on their children's lives, taking care of them and advising them as best as they can. But as children grow up, parents also have a responsibility to hand over the decision making to their kids, simply watching on and allowing them to make their own mistakes - even if they believe, or can clearly see, that something might not be the best idea for their child in the long run.
One woman found herself struggling to let go of control when it came to her 17-year-old daughter who had recently gone to university out of their home area, but took her displeasure at her daughter's actions to the most extreme level, when she told her she was disowning her for something pretty superficial: getting piercings.
The woman posted on Reddit asking for advice about the situation, explaining: "My (55F) daughter (17F) has moved out of province for university. She's been mentioning piercings for a while and I told her I would disown her if she got them.
"A few days ago my daughter sent me pictures of piercings she just got. She said she was really sorry, but she has been wanting to do this for a long time because. She asked me if I would still love her. I said of course, but why would she be willing to throw away our relationship over holes in her body? If she got them that means she didn't love me enough to be scared of losing a relationship."
The mother said she told her eldest child about the piercings and she confessed that her younger sister had already spoken to her about them, and she was panicked about her mum's reaction. This puzzled the parent even more as she couldn't understand why her daughter would go through with the piercings, knowing they would potentially ruin their relationship. But she admits she also could never stop loving her daughter, and she hoped she knew this.
She continued: "My eldest paused, and looked at me with I guess bewilderment and said it's because I said I would disown her. I told her I just said that to scare my youngest because as a parent, it's my job to discourage her from doing stupid things. Find me a parent who doesn't talk like that to their kids, and at least others' kids listen. My eldest rolled her eyes and said we aren't other people. I told her I'm a human being and I have the right to be angry and have boundaries. She said as a parent I have the obligation to model healthy communication instead of manipulation. I told her that manipulation is part of being a family, babies manipulate their parents by crying when they don't get what they want.
"My eldest stared at me for a long time, and then just laughed and said that explained a lot about me. She said babies 'manipulating' (she used air quotes) their parents because they have no form of emotional regulation isn't the same as a parent manipulating their child with threats and lies and being surprised that their children start to be afraid of their parents.
The woman then said in the post that her eldest daughter was "sensitive and vindictive towards me for perceived slights I've made towards her." The conversation ended quickly after this point, with the eldest daughter questioning why her mother even brought the issue to her if she wasn't going to listen to what she had to say.
This reaction shocked the woman, who wrote: "My eldest is mature enough to sit through a conversation like an adult, even if she gets emotional. I was surprised and now I'm wondering if I actually did something wrong".
Commenters were quick to confirm to the woman that she had, in fact, done something wrong. "Your eldest daughter is correct, and exceptionally emotionally mature to try and explain that to you, despite your irrational reaction. Your younger daughter has the right to body autonomy. She can do with it what she wishes. It's a couple of piercings," wrote one.
Another advised the woman to seek professional help: "You have a toxic communication style and you need to seek therapy. It should be embarrassing that your eldest daughter can see your emotional issues so clearly."
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