STARTED a new job recently? Wondering how you’re doing, comparatively? Find out how your first month stacks up against the prime minister’s:
Did you make a good first impression?
A) No. I spent my first day walking around with my flies undone, spilt scalding coffee over the CEO, and my car got trapped under the barrier
B) Yes. I gave a rousing speech about how brilliant I would be, though the audience let me down by not knowing when to applaud
Are you getting on with your new team?
A) Not really. A joke I made on the first day got me called in for a verbal warning, they deliberately time lunch for when I’ve finished mine and they all wear headphones
B) Yes, because I got rid of the dead wood and hired a new team who all think I’m great. Who cares what the old team think!
Have you demonstrated your skillset?
A) I think they’ve twigged that I lied on my CV about knowing Photoshop, and Powerpoint, and Excel, and Word. I thought they’d be easier to pick up
B) Undoubtedly. Not just as a consummate public speaker but as a confident interviewee with the facts at her fingertips and a valiant economic visionary
Got a nickname yet?
A) The Liability. Shitface. Cannon Fodder. Fired Yet? The 40-Year-Old Intern. And F**kwit.
B) The Iron Lady and She Who Is Not For Turning, though they’re sort of inherited.
Any catastrophic mistakes?
A) Yeah, I got confused and managed to wipe the servers containing the last six years’ financial records just before an audit. Since then I’m not allowed to use a computer. Bit worried I won’t pass my probation?
B) Absolutely not. The pound did suffer a wobble, and the Bank of England fussed about nothing, and there’s been a slight issue with the polls that will correct in no time and there’s been one minor direction change, but apart from that it’s a triumph
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Congratulations! You’ve had one of the worst first months in a new role since Sam Allardyce managed England, but it’s nowhere near as bad as Liz Truss’s. You will shortly be fired.
Mostly Bs: Bad news! You’re even worse than the most terrible f**k-up any office has ever seen, proving yourself to be incompetent in every department. But you’re safe in your role until the end of 2023, Liz.
